The Unstoppable Mind Podcast with Mary Lou Rodriguez

Episode 36 | What Is Your Bad Behavior Trying To Do For You? | The Unstoppable Mind Podcast with Mary Lou Rodriguez

July 31, 2022 Mary Lou Rodriguez Season 1 Episode 36
The Unstoppable Mind Podcast with Mary Lou Rodriguez
Episode 36 | What Is Your Bad Behavior Trying To Do For You? | The Unstoppable Mind Podcast with Mary Lou Rodriguez
Show Notes Transcript

Have you ever wondered what your "bad" behavior is trying to tell you? Stay tuned.

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Hello unstoppables you're listening to the unstoppable mind podcast. And on this episode, we are going to talk about secondary gain. So I want you to think about a behavior that you don't want in your life, and you keep doing it. In this episode, you are going to learn what the behavior is trying to do for you. So stay tuned. Hello unstoppables of the world, you're listening to the unstoppable mind podcast. So excited to have you here today. Before I jump into secondary gain, I just wanted to share with you a big, big, huge, thank you. Thank you to everyone who shared my last podcast episode called My deeper why that was a episode that was straight from my heart. And I just am so grateful for all of the feedback that I received, about how it did give you hope. And so if you haven't checked it out yet, I highly recommend checking out the podcast episode, my deeper why. And again, I just want to say thank you to everyone, for all of the love for all of the shares, I had more shares on that podcast episode than I've ever had. And I just want to say thank you. And I also want to just say that what's possible for me, is possible for you. Okay, so let's talk about secondary gain, because secondary gain is so interesting. It's our beautiful mind trying to protect us, and all of the ways that it can. And that's really how I look at my brain, I know that my brain is always trying to protect me. And boy, does it have clever ways of doing that. So the first thing that I want to say is that our subconscious mind is never trying to hurt us. In fact, there's always a positive intention. The subconscious works with positive intentions. And what that means is that it's trying to protect us. So what is secondary gain? And secondary gain is the driver, excuse me, is the driver behind the behavior. And the driver is often hidden, and unknown. Meaning that we are not consciously aware of what is driving this behavior that we have in our life that we keep doing, even though we don't like it. I love learning about secondary gain with clients because it can open so it's just there's so much awareness that can happen. So sometimes it's a little bit tricky, this concept of secondary gain for people to understand, because how can our subconscious be helping us when it's causing us to experience or do something that is painful, or even destructive? Even harmful to our well being? So your subconscious, my subconscious, everyone's subconscious has been at work. And it's sometimes it's tricky to figure out why our brain has created certain solutions to certain problems. It truly is fascinating. And most people will laugh when I asked the question, what do you gain from this behavior? They'll just stop and they'll look at me and laugh. And they'll be like nothing, I don't gain anything. And then I say, I know you believe that. But I just want you to think about this. What do you gain from this behavior? And if we really stop and think about the behavior, there is something positive, there's a positive intention, whether it's trying to keep the weight on so that people won't find someone who's overweight, attractive, or whether it's that you keep self sabotaging the big self sabotage. So we figure out what the positive intention is by asking questions. And I am going to give you some questions here to ask yourself in just a moment, but I give my clients the portunity Once they find out what the positive intention is to just honor that, that their brain or subconscious has been trying to protect them, to honor the positive intention, not the behavior, the positive intention. And I say, Hey, thank your brain for trying to protect you. And I do a pet my, my lizard brain, my habits brain in the back of my head, and I do a little pat and I say thank you for trying to protect me. So once our clients, or you have the awareness of your why, why you are doing what you're doing, what the positive intention is, what the secondary gain is, once you have this awareness, you can begin to make different choices, starting right now. Right now, it gives you back your power. And you don't have to make the same choices. Even if it's familiar, even if it's habitual. Even if it's your usual, you're normal, you're comfortable. Even if you don't like the choice, and you know, it's not good for you. But you're comfortable in the discomfort because you know that it's the familiar, you can make a different choice. And it's easier to make a different choice, when you have the awareness when you understand what the behavior is trying to do for you. So when I first learned about secondary gain, it was from my mentor. And he shared a story that he was working with a woman who had seizures, she was having seizures. Now she wasn't diagnosed as epileptic. But she had she would have seizures pretty consistently every three to four weeks, for no apparent reason. There was nothing wrong in her life, she had this amazing career, and she had a family. And she was loving her life except for the seizures. And my mentor explained that he began to look for secondary gain. What might she be gaining? Or what might she benefit from, by having these seizures? And he shared that when he first asked her about what she could be gaining, she laughed. I mean, everybody laughs because it's a, it's a crazy, it's a crazy thing to think that there's some game in this wacky or bad behavior that you might have. And so she laughed, and she said, Don't be ridiculous. There's nothing to be gained, which is a common response. It's ruining my life. And so that also is a common response. And she said, Well, and this is my mentor telling us the story. Well, a silly thought did pop into my head. But it's the thought is that my husband won't leave me. And he would never leave me because I'm sick. So my mentor started, his ears started ringing. And I know that feeling when we start going in our minds, we start the deans, the being the Deans go off in our head thing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. And that's what happens for me, too, I'll have this awareness as somebody's explaining their story. And I'll be like, Oh, I see what's going on here. And so she had explained to my mentor that when she was a student, and she was studying for her finals, that she was so stressed, and she was up all night. And the that is when she had her first seizure, and that her boyfriend, who's now her husband, took care of her. He like, wrapped her up in a blanket, and he took care of her. And then he proposed and they got married, and they're they've been together 23 years, or however long. I don't know how long it is now. But she believed that he would never leave her if she was ill. So she, the brain the way that it works, you know, and this is according to the way that my mentor explained it. She had her first seizure when she was really stressed, stressed and studying for those finals. And then her subconscious are putting together these random facts. If you have a seizure, this guy took care of you. And oh, well, you better keep having these seizures so that he continues to take care of you. Now, this is an extreme example, but it kind of makes sense. And yet it doesn't. I mean, I could tell you story after story after story, working with clients where once they understand what the benefit is, what are they gaining from this behavior. Once they have this awareness, the behaviors begin to change. And so I want you to know that once you have the awareness for why you're doing what you're doing, what the gain is the Then you start to change, because you have the awareness. And you realize that you can make a different choice, it does not have to be automatic, it does not have to be habitual. So again, I want to share with you that secondary gain is not conscious, we're not walking around going, this is what I'm gaining by doing this bad behavior. It's not in your conscious awareness. So when people used to come and see me for weight loss, I don't work with weight loss anymore. But when they would come to see me, they were desperate, desperate, they had tried every diet, they had tried every pill, every potion that you can imagine. And then they would come to see me, because for the life of them, they can't figure out why they're losing weight. Now, some of its identity, I mean, not some of it, almost all of its identity. But there's also parts to that. And, you know, I remember like working with client after client, if they were overweight, then they would be found less attractive. And if they're less attractive, then that means they get less attention. And if they get less attention, then they're not going to get hurt again. So when I'm working with a client, I'm, you know, I'm looking at what's the secondary gain. And it's a habit for me now, it's just part of what I do, even in the first session, I'm just listening for it. Because it's just how I I'm programmed now. And recently, I just worked with somebody yesterday, I don't see very many one to one clients anymore. They are few and far in between. And but I am seeing somebody that I'm having a really great time with. He's this older gentleman that's been I've been working with on procrastination. And it's so interesting, because you better believe procrastination has a secondary gain, you better believe that procrastination, there is something positive to be gained from it, even though it's not a positive behavior. And that's what I want you to understand. It's not a positive behavior. It's just there's a positive intention to be gained. And so he had all of these stories and facts around why he does what he does, making it about the behavior. Now, I know from my experience, as I'm listening to him that it is not about the procrastination, it is not about the behavior. And so yesterday, we started moving into the behavior. So I don't always do I don't do that on my first session, I don't move into the behaviors on my first session. And so now we're moving into the behaviors. And during the pre hypnosis interview, which is the time that I spend with my client before I do hypnosis, I heard him mention five times. It was like five times almost in 10 minutes, like we had just gotten on the call. My ears perked up, I started hearing the the ringing, because he mentioned the word responsibility. And he said it like I said, it was like five times and I circle or I Asterix sometimes when I hear these words that are repeated. And so I asked him, I said, Tell me how you define responsibility. And as he did, he shared two stories in his life early on when he was a kid about responsibility. And both of these stories were very painful. And in one of the stories that he told me, and one of his memories that he shared, it was that because he wasn't responsible, someone ended up drowning. And in another story that he shared, it was, you know, maybe if he were more responsible than his father wouldn't have abandoned him. Now, I know that he has emotions that are tied up in this word, responsibility. And so I asked him, What do you gain by procrastinating? And we worked it out because I had to ask him this question a couple times. But essentially, what it boiled down to is this. If he procrastinates, he doesn't have to be responsible. So his secondary gain is, if he's not responsible, people won't think he's a piece of shit. Because he heard that all his whole life, you're not responsible, you're a piece of shit. So if he's not responsible, people won't think he's a piece of shit. And they won't abandon him. Like his dad. That's why he procrastinates it has nothing to do with the behavior. It has everything to do with what's underneath. And so this is what I this is what I teach my hypnotist and even though we don't necessarily use the word secondary game when I'm teaching them right at the beginning, this is the truth. This is the key For here, it's not about procrastination. So one of the, you know, in a way to say this really quickly is that even when our clients can't see it, their subconscious is always trying to help them. It's always well meaning, but the client is definitely getting something from the behavior. And again, it's unconscious. And it might be the same for you, as you listen to this podcast, you're getting something from this behavior, and you might want to throw shoe at me because I get I know people like to throw shoes. Because this might be something that's hard to hear. What am I getting from being a victim? What am I getting from, you know, whatever it is, but there is some sort of positive intention. So our clients are getting something from the behavior, it's unconscious. And some of the examples that I have found what the secondary gain is, is self pity. People get pity. And I was one of those people. So I understand. It's not conscious again. And then other people feel like protection, responsibility. So So there's, there's something to be gained from this behavior. And some of the questions that I ask are, what do you gain by staying in the behavior? So this is what I'm asking you directly. As you listen to this podcast. If you think of a behavior that you have that you do, and you don't like it? What do you gain by staying in this behavior? What reward do you get? What does this behavior give you? So what I would love to ask you to do is I want to help you. And I would love for you to take some time to sit down and write or journal about the answers to these questions about the behavior that you specifically have. And it could be overeating, it could be smoking, it could be drinking too much. It could be gossiping, it could be trash, talk and money. If you've listened to my previous episodes on money, you know what I'm talking about. It could be feeling anxious, it could be fear of public speaking, it could be insomnia. It could be anything. But what could the positive intention of this behavior be? And I would love for you to journal about that. Because I want you to have the awareness to so that you can begin to make different changes different choices in your life. And once you identify the behavior, and yes, it might be a disruptive behavior that you have, you might hate this behavior. But what's the behavior trying to achieve? What's it trying to do for you? What's the positive intention behind it? Is it to make you feel safe? Is it to protect you? Does it mean that you don't have to step outside of your comfort zone? Does it mean that you think people will help you? So I want you to be open. I want you to be curious. I do not want you to judge yourself. That defeats the purpose of this exercise. This is just for awareness only, so that we can make different choices. It is not to judge ourselves. And if you've listened to my past podcast episodes, you know that I talk about how self judgment is also a habit. And I want you to put that habit aside, because this is the place where I want you to have self compassion. Lots and lots of self compassion as you do the deeper work. Because that is what this exercise is. It's deep work. And I'm excited for you if you decide to do this exercise. And if you do this exercise, I want you to reach out to me, I want you to tag me on my socials and I want you to share with me what you learned about your behavior. And I'm being serious here because I want to know, so you can tag me on Instagram at Mary Lou hypnotizes you or on Facebook at Mary Lou Rodriguez. Okay Unstopables until the next time, live your amazing unstoppable For badass life I would love if you shared today's episode with your friends and loved ones, please share it on your social media channels. And make sure to subscribe to the podcast. I believe that we are all here to help others. Together, we can help more people. I would be so grateful for a five star review. And I'm also grateful that you took the time to let me know how this podcast is helping you. If you want more transformational content, connect with me on Instagram at Mary Lou hypnotizes you and then go over and join my Facebook group, the unstoppable mind. Visit Mary Lou For more information on my programs, and how to work with me until the next time, go out there and live your unstoppable life